Childhood emotion

“No !” I cried.

My mom was coming to tell me she was again going to leave for an unknown amount of time and (someone else, always someone different) was going to be my guardian while she was gone.

Sometimes she would be gone for a few days, sometimes a few weeks, or months.

There was no way for me to know.

“What I am going to do is going to help us have a better world. I must go.” Mom tryin’ to make me understand.

This conversation happened so many times.

I tried everything.

Crying.

Screaming.

Tantrum.

Anger.

Hate.

Boredom.

Apathy.

Threats.

Nothing I ever said or did in my young years made any difference in whether she left or not. She always disappeared, and nothing I ever did made any difference.

Why couldn’t another Sea Org member go sometimes? Why was my mom always gone?

Well, she was a Missionaire. Not to be confused with Missionaries. Sea Org Missionaires would go to failing orgs anywhere in the world to fix the reasons it was failing and then return to Los Angeles.

Nobody with young children should have been doing that, but they did. My mom was just one of many back then.

I even knew of a new Sea Org mother whose child almost died because she left right after giving birth when the child needed the mother to feed the child.

Back in those days there was zero regard for the children or the relationship the child and mother needed to have in or to develop and grow.

The developmental and emotional delays have had a heavy toll on the second and third gen children of Scientologists and Sea Org members.

We did not develop strong emotional relationships with our own family members.

By the time our parents were back and ready to try to give us emotional support, we were so distanced from the parent that there was no way to form that emotional bond. For me, I just felt so betrayed over and over again that I saw no reason to attach to my parent.

For some it was irreparable, and maybe still is.

But for me, I sit here as an adult and sometimes I wonder what my path would have been.

It’s hard to imagine what you want to be when you grow up. Growing up in that group, of course you will be a Sea Org member when you grow up. There is no other thought process that goes into it.

So what happens when you aren’t a Sea Org member anymore but you missed all of that development and you never had a chance to develop emotionally and work out your plans and goals?

Here we are as adults still feeling like children who are trying to figure out what we want to do and be when we grow up.

It’s tough. Really tough.

So I try to be patient with myself and others.

Remember to be patient with yourselves and those who matter to you.

They may be going through a lot more than they can explain.