Is it mental illness or were you in the Sea Org? Round three

“I’m sick of it here” my letter started. I was writing a note to my mom. She was somewhere on her Sea Org post. I was in our tiny shared apartment across the street. “I’m running away.” I signed it, left it on the bed and walked out.

I had a very very hard time adjusting to Sea Org life. I don’t think I ever did adjust.

I left for several hours. I was only 12 years old or so. I realized I had no money, no food and nowhere to go. And so I returned home. I found my mom reading my letter.

“Back already? I thought you were running away.” I ignored her joke and stomped off to my corner of the room, covered myself with a blanket and stayed there till she left back to post. Back then parents got “family time” of 45 minutes around dinner time before returning to post until late at night.

And I realized I had no choices. I was really stuck in this place.

I did want to mention that I am going somewhere with this “series”, even though I am calling them “rounds”, only because they don’t need to be read in sequence. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it!

I’ve recently discovered that I have ADHD. It’s something I have never, ever considered for myself.

And so I have been reading up on it and wow, wow.

These are the symptoms I have been battling with since back then when I tried to run away and even earlier.

Impulsivity without thinking of future consequences? Yeah. Often. All the time!

Smoking cigarettes, fighting with my mom, stealing, disobedience, stubbornness and a complete unwillingness to cooperate.

As a child, those impulses had me labelled as “out ethics” and, long term as an adult, got me SP declared.

It’s crazy that Scientology loves to blame the person when Scientology doesn’t work.

Oh, you are no case gain, or out ethics, or suppressive.

And that’s why I didn’t make it in the Sea Org.

Despite hundreds and thousands of auditing hours I have received, it never did get to the core basic of the issues that I had.

And the weird thing is that everything I got in trouble for in Scientology and the Sea Org are things I never do anymore. I haven’t since I left Scientology.

Maybe I wasn’t good for Scientology and Scientology was not good for me.

The feeling was mutual.

Now I understand that therapy is not for everyone, but I have seen it help lots of people.

If y’all ever consider giving it a try, a good rule of thumb is to give it at least three visits before deciding if its for you or not.

It has helped me personally so much with calming down my mind and taking things at a slower pace, something I badly needed help with. I was simply too wired to relax. We need brain breaks for our own health and sanity.

Now I do know that ADHD was not known about or recognized when I was a child. I think nowadays kids are lucky that there has been so much more researched and discovered to where these things can be helped. That is, if you want the help.

And then, of course, there is another side to this, which is that people with mental illnesses aren’t always entirely “ill”. Could it be that those people with those particular symptoms have a place in the world?

Many greats such as Benjamin Franklin, Galileo, Stephen Hawking and many others have had ADHD.

And in that way, no matter what is going on with you, there is a place in the world for you. A place where you can be valued. And where you can matter.

And that’s the same for me too.